Once you make the decision that physical conflict is inevitable, or is the best option for avoiding an even worse outcome from a predator intent on hurting you, don’t give any warning.
To fight and lose is painful, but it isn’t usually humiliating. To be attacked and not fight at all can be emotionally debilitating. This is one of the main reasons I always advocate that children stand their ground against bullies, verbally as well as physically, if need be. A suspension may last a few days. The ripples from an undefended beating can last a lifetime.
what I look for in my athletes, is the ability to remain calm, smart, happy, and focused when under pressure and to maintain a higher overall level of maturity and self-reflection in daily life.
First, feeling safe and being safe are not the same thing. You can feel safe, even though you may be in danger. And you can feel unsafe, even when you’re quite secure. Without a proper education in violence, you may not be able to distinguish between the two until it’s too late.
If you want to discover the truth, you must be more interested in what is than in what you want “what is” to be.
Real morality—the kind arrived at through concern for the suffering of conscious creatures—requires intolerance.
Tolerance is neither good nor bad: it always depends on what one is tolerating.
“What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence.”
The typical image of a home invasion involves hooded thugs kicking down a front door or sneaking in through a basement door. That does happen, as the Petit family tragically discovered, but it is uncommon. They are more likely to first ring the bell with a question. “My car broke down. May I use your phone?”
Much of this can be addressed by remembering the rule about vampires from the beginning of this chapter: don’t let them in. Never let them in! No means no. If you ever have to say no more than once, call the police.
the key to being free from control and getting what you want is to maximize the uncertainty of other agents.
One of the main things that can cause many people, especially women, to hesitate to be assertive in situations in which assertiveness is called for is the fear of being mean.
This failure to take responsibility goes hand in hand with the character-disordered individual’s third core trait: a sense of entitled victimhood.
An outburst of reactive aggression that leads to expressive violence is frequently preceded by various periods of covert aggression that have previously slipped under the victim’s radar.
Maintaining a safe and healthy training environment is the single most important duty of any coach or head instructor. In the past, I have kept troubled individuals around much longer than I should have: these are some of the career mistakes I most regret.
The first step is to simply listen to your instincts.
As security specialist Gavin de Becker explains, survivors of violent attacks by strangers frequently relate how shocked they were by what seemed to them a sudden event.
When it comes to character-disordered individuals, for example, your instincts might tell you something is wrong before the person turns violent against you or your family. Knowledge of the five core traits of character-disordered individuals—traits like a consistent failure to take personal responsibility and a propensity to adopt the role of the victim—will help you define the threat.
There is a tendency in the self-defense world to describe violent criminals as fearsome creatures. In reality, they are often just dumb, desperate, and dangerous.
Almost all violent crime is committed by men, and these “men” are often literally boys.
A lack of identity breeds insecurity,
train yourself to always be aware of possible exits and hiding places when in public should you suddenly hear gunshots
I’ll repeat again: the primary threat you need to address is always the character-disordered individual you let into your home and around your family
The next—far more distant—threat you need to concern yourself with is the unknown violent actor. They may be in your neighborhood, town, or city, are usually poor, dumb, and desperate, and are already known to local law enforcement. And they are almost always detectable, avoidable, and manageable, even at the individual level.
Seneca observed two thousand years ago, all cruelty springs from weakness. So even if they are dangerous, you can beat them—never forget that.
Depending on which zip code you live in, the odds of becoming a victim of violent crime can be radically different.
if you’re feeling uneasy about a situation, whether due to the time of day, the geography of the street, poor street lighting, a lack of other pedestrians, or any other factor, you need to honor and act on those feelings, not override them for fear of appearances.
I want to hammer home the message that you should trust your own primal instincts when
Predators assess their prey by examining range, ease of access, risk, potential liability, and potential gain.
You have to know the neighborhoods, often street by street and block by block.
Chicago, for example, we know that nearly 40 percent of the city’s murders occur between 9 p.m. and 2 a.m., and less than 1 percent occur between 7 a.m. and 8 a.m.
predators are lazy. Energy conservation is written into their DNA.
Beyond that, when it comes to interactions with police, the best guidance I can offer for avoiding any type of physical harm is to simply comply. This means: (1) obey any and all orders; (2) show your hands; (3) move slowly; and (4) be as respectful as possible.
You need only make a distinction between those you approach and those who approach you.
But when strangers initiate contact with you in unexpected ways and places, there is always reason for suspicion. This is when we must heighten our awareness to stay safe.
When your hair stands on end, your skin crawls, or your senses tell you something is off about a person or situation, TRUST THAT FEELING.
Second, recognize the signals that security specialist Gavin de Becker and others call pre-incident indicators.2 The most important ones to look for in the stranger are: A nervous demeanor that is alert for possible witnesses. Too much unsolicited detail or freely offered information or an unsolicited promise. The contrived use of first-person plural pronouns like “we” and “us,” which is known as forced teaming. The failure to take no for an answer Aggressive or covertly aggressive behavior, such as throwing insults, pushing boundaries, or guilting or shaming to generate sympathy.
Third, figure out what the person wants. Whenever a person initiates contact with you, they want something. This is true whether their intentions are good or bad.
Power and persuasion are all any predator has at his disposal, and attacks that end with the use of power often begin with attempts at persuasion.
The rules for dealing with people attempting to use persuasion on you are simple: be clear and assertive, and create distance.
Genuinely well-intentioned people get embarrassed, not offended, when they realize that they’ve been asking inappropriate questions.
Thus, read any obvious attempt by someone to distract you as a serious signal that demands your immediate attention.
So, if someone is trying to distract you, what should you do? LOOK AROUND!
The final thing a stranger with bad intentions might want—to move or transport you somewhere else—is arguably the most dangerous.
You should never go to a secondary location.
The advice for dealing with people who are attempting to move you from one spot to another is fairly straightforward. Don’t go. Never go.
If you decide to run, don’t simply flee from danger—run to safety.
If you are asked to get into a vehicle or chased by someone in a vehicle, run in the opposite direction. Forcing your pursuers to turn around buys you time. Humans can change direction much faster than cars.
Predatory chase drive, aka prey drive, exists in humans just like it exists in just about every other species. Unless your decision to run is strategic and part of a contingency plan that will put you in a superior position, you’re rolling the dice on making a non-physical encounter into a physical encounter by running. Standing your ground in that circumstance is a deterrent and might give you time to de-escalate things.
Always leave plenty of space between your vehicle and the vehicle in front of you,
After parking your car, pay attention to your surroundings before getting out of the car.
If an increase in your knowledge leads to an increase in risk-taking due to overconfidence, that knowledge won’t necessarily lead to the desired results—your safety and survival.15 Knowledge improves our chances of safety and survival only to the extent that we adjust our beliefs and actions to align with reality.
everything you need to know about the nonphysical aspects of violent altercations can be found in the simple acronym MIND: maturity, intelligence, noticing, and distance, deterrence, and determination.
Multiple studies show that, by the age of nine, a child’s peer group tends to be a stronger influence on them than their parents.
Being mature means knowing when to take the high road and knowing when to take the low. This means knowing when to use violence (rarely, but only as demanded) and how much to use (just enough, but no more).
The list of things boys learn by watching their dads interact with others is enormous.
A good father will model shaking hands properly, speaking forthrightly, conducting oneself honestly, treating women respectfully, and standing up for others firmly, when appropriate:
Most of the mannerless anti-authority rhetoric of immature adolescents and the lazy burn-it-all-down mentality of their adult counterparts can be dismissed with one question: “What would you do instead?”
Men fended off competition for mates and materials with the threat of physical force. Women fended off competition for protectors and providers through social bullying and by manipulating relationships.
My inclination to disengage from potential fights has increased with every passing year.
Ask yourself: how likely are you to allow yourself to be coerced into an avoidable conflict?
He understood that the boy’s immaturity made him a far greater physical threat.
Gaining in maturity—and recognizing its absence in others—is your most important asset when it comes to self-defense.
No child will be able to defend their boundaries if they have no understanding of them.
True confidence is the product of maturity—which, as discussed, involves empathy, impulse control, and self-awareness and is built by observing other strong, mature people and committing oneself to disciplined practice.
Kids need to be shown that saying I don’t know when they, in fact, don’t know is a sign of strength, not weakness. And by shown, I mean that we must model this in our everyday behavior, not just preach it as a goal.
the most dangerous level of ignorance: denial.
The first step in making sure that our daughters never fall into this category is to help them build confidence.
Winners fail frequently—and winners fail better.
True confidence is the ability to accurately predict performance in a measurable skill.
Saying how you feel bluntly, clearly, and loudly is where assertiveness starts.
It is always better to train your child to resist bullies before you see any signs that she might be being bullied.
Nothing matters more than awareness.
The child should feel absolute trust that she can come to you with any problem,
The child should know, deep down, from experience, that you will help her.
The child should sincerely believe that if she ever has to fight, you will always have her back.
Your child’s awareness that she can trust you with any secret—and that you will listen to her, honor her feelings, and support her if she fights back—is the cornerstone of protection.
B is for boundaries: make sure your child understands boundaries and asserts them in a healthy way.
assertiveness, which, for a child, means the ability to say what she feels out loud.
If you frequently lash out childishly or are unable to distinguish between reactive aggression and healthy assertiveness yourself, you won’t be much help. As
Teach the child that it is okay to say no to adults and to defend her boundaries against anyone, whether older or younger, a relative or a stranger.
C is for conflict: help your child become comfortable and skilled at handling conflict.
When bad people are doing bad things to good people, good people have an obligation to engage in conflict with them.
Conflict can be one of our highest moral duties.
One of the least useful pieces of advice is don’t talk to strangers! This advice is impossible to follow. As your child grows and ventures out into the world, she will run into situations in which she’ll have to talk to strangers every day. She needs to be taught how to do so.
Escape: knowing when and where to run.
I teach my own children: run to where there are other adults and find a woman, preferably a mommy, and make lots of noise while running from a threat.
Let’s summarize the ABCs of keeping your children safe: You are aware of what’s going on with your child, and your child is aware of what’s going on around them. Your child has a solid understanding of boundaries and skill in defending them. Your child is comfortable with conflict.
These are the boundaries that your children should know shouldn’t be crossed: I am the boss of my body! If I don’t like something or get the “uh-oh” feeling, I will stand up for myself! I don’t need to be polite if I am scared or uncomfortable. Everyone’s bathing suit areas are private. If someone is touching me there or asks or wants to touch me there, I will tell my parents. Grownups don’t ask kids for help. Not even to find a lost puppy. And they never ask kids to go somewhere with them. If this happens, I will tell my parents. I don’t keep secrets from my parents. Especially if another adult has asked me to or made me feel scared, uneasy, or uncomfortable. I will always check in first before going anywhere. If I get lost, I’ll find a mommy with kids.
Anxiety and paranoia can make us less safe because they make it difficult for us to identify true internal threat signals amid our own internally generated noise.
Anxiety is fear of what could happen (or has happened); true fear is an immediate response to something that is happening.
Unlike anxiety or paranoia, true fear is always involuntary. It grabs you. It’s effortless, authentic, and related to the present moment. True fear is always a gift
The fact that primal instincts are involuntary, they are “choice-less,” is one of their greatest advantages. Like all forms of intuition, primal instincts always occur in response to something and always serve your best interests.
But people who are victimized by violent crime often fail to follow their instincts. In such cases, had they listened to their gut, they wouldn’t have become victims.
violence is not a stand-alone event, but a sequence of events that begins much earlier than most victims recognize.
They don’t willfully ignore their gut out of shame or indignation: they do it out of habit. In all three instances, the solution is the same: exposure—to conflict, to banter, to physical contact, and to stress.
We can divide our primal instincts into three stages, in order of increasing danger: Stage one: Suspicion and doubt Stage two: Concern and hesitation Stage three: Fear
Remember that decent human beings don’t feel offended when you explain that their behavior is causing you concern.
If you are a man and a woman tells you she is getting weird or creepy vibes from another man, keep an eye on him and trust what she tells you.
Let me begin by giving you a scenario that’s very common. You exit work and notice a stranger walking down the sidewalk in your direction. Where do you look, and what do you look for? Here is my simple order: Face Hands Waistline Face Environment
From a technique standpoint, as you look, offer no personal expression. And don’t intentionally avoid or seek eye contact.
Self-grooming includes scratching their chin, running their hands through their hair, and fidgeting with their nails—just about any like action on their part in which they are trying to look casual.
And weight shifting refers to movement of their upper body to one side or movement of a leg toward the back (often called “blading”), signaling they’re about to hit you.
But even if the approaching stranger isn’t exhibiting any of the five signs, the best way to deal with him almost always involves you not stopping. If you’re walking in public and not already at your destination, keep moving, even if he just tries to speak with you. You are under no obligation to engage with him. In fact, let me make this simple. Don’t stop!
One more thing, never say, “I’m sorry.”
To say I’m sorry, in the subculture of violent criminal actors and immature “boy-speak” males, signals weakness. To predators, weakness is always provocative. They will perceive you as submissive. In environments where being cultured might matter, go with, “My apologies.” In areas where you’re surrounded by the criminal class, say only, “No offense.”
ask-tell-make formula is something you need to ingrain.
OODA loop: observe, orient, decide, act.
What kinds of things do predators look for? Timid walking style Clumsy or injured gait Arms pressed to the body Slumped shoulders Lack of general awareness
Remember: predators are lazy. Almost all crime is opportunistic. That is why victims of violence often know their attackers: the attacker has easy access. From a statistical standpoint, a locked door is nearly as good as a barricaded one. A six-foot fence is nearly as good as an impenetrable moat. Criminologist Franklin E. Zimring’s work on crime in New York City has made this point abundantly clear.
Deterrence works. If you create a harder target, the balance in the range-risk-reward assessment changes rapidly in the mind of the typical scumbag, and that target is deselected.
If the choice is ever between complying with a command that will make you more vulnerable or attacking the assailant, I want you to fight.
Indecisiveness, or a lack of determination when it comes to facing threats, can be devastating.
compliance almost always leads to more horror, not less.
Threats to the physical safety of his wife and children are where he draws his line. Once that line is crossed, he will fight to the death.
This is why engaging in sober contemplation now about your line in the sand, before such a need ever arises, is a responsible exercise for anyone serious about their relationship with violence.
But there is another important step that can be taken now to make it even less likely you will freeze under extreme pressure. You can learn to operate under stressful conditions with pressure-adjusted training.
if you can talk yourself into a panic, you can talk yourself out of a panic.
tenacity is something you are, not something you pretend to be.
By timing, I mean unpredictability. If you drill a pattern or a repeated series of kata, forms, or choreography in a predictable rhythm, then you are not acquiring timing.
It is very difficult to block a knife strike. You have to grab the arm that has the knife. Once you have that arm, you have to control it.
For the first time in my life, I saw someone who could actually defend themselves against a blade, using a method that was as practical as it was simple. It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t flashy. But it worked.
Speak with any first responder who’s had a few years on the job, and they will tell you stories about people who’ve suffered major medical trauma—missing fingers, knives sticking out of their heads, ears ripped off—and still keep going. They keep fighting. They keep attacking. They need to be restrained. They have to be controlled physically.
it is physical control, not pain, that you must learn to rely on when it comes to a self-defense situation.
being able to determine the appropriate level and application of violence is what proper self-defense is all about. Indeed, escalating force when it is unnecessary to do so is both physically hazardous and legally dangerous
teach people how to exceed you. In short, we are creating people who can beat us.
Be the gentlest and most dangerous person possible.
